%%
There are things on heaven and earth, Horatio, Man was not meant to know.
					-- Hamlet
%%
Things are not always as they seem.
					-- Mandrake
%%
The only thing more reliable than magik is one's friends.
					-- MacBeth
%%
Careful planning is the key to safe and swift travel.
					-- Ulysses
%%
Only constant and conscientious practice in the Martial Arts will ensure a long
and happy life.
					-- B. Lee
%%
Attention to detail is the watchword for gleaning information from an
unsuspecting witness.
					-- Insp. Clouseau
%%
Is there anything in the universe more beautiful and protective than the simple
complexity of a spider's web?
					-- Charlotte
%%
In times of crisis, it is of utmost importance not to lose one's head.
					-- M. Antoinette
%%
To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in
their leader.
					-- Capt. Bligh (ret.)
%%
Man shall never reach his full capacity while chained to the earth. We must
take wing and conquer the heavens.
					-- Icarus
%%
One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people.
					-- G. Khan
%%
First impressions are of major importance in business matters.
					-- J. Pierpont Finch
%%
The secret to winning the support of large groups of people is positive
thinking.
					-- N. Bonaparte
%%
A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.
					-- Tevye
%%
Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried
taking candy from a baby.
					-- R. Hood
%%
Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's
useless.
					-- T. Edison
%%
The wonders of the ages assembled for your edification, education, and
enjoyment -- for a price.
					-- P. T. Barnum
%%
No matter what the product or service might be, you can find it somewhere else
cheaper!
					-- E. Scrooge
%%
By persevering over all obstacles and distractions, one my unfaillingly arrive
at his chosen goal or destination.
					-- C. Columbus
%%
With the proper consideration in choice of allies, victory may be guaranteed
in any conflict.
					-- B. Arnold
%%
One must deal openly and fairly with one's forces if maximum effectiveness is
to be achieved.
					-- D. Vader
%%
This is another fine myth you've gotten me into.
					-- Lor L. and Har D.
%%
Since prehistoric times, no battle has ever gone as planned.
					-- D. Graeme
%%
Ya gotta be subtle!
					-- M. Hammer
%%
Just because you've beaten a sorcerer, doesn't mean you've beaten a sorcerer.
					-- Toth-Aamon
%%
A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end.
					-- F. Schubert
%%
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
					-- R. V. Winkle
%%
First impressions, being the longest lasting, are of utmost importance.
					-- J. Carter
%%
Ninety percent of any business transaction is selling yourself to the client.
					-- X. Hollander
%%
If the proper preparations have been made and the necessary precautions taken,
any staged event is guaranteed success.
					-- Ethelred the Unready
%%
". . . Eye of Newt, toe of frog . . ."
			-- believed to be the first recipe for an explosive
			   mixture . . . the forerunner of gunpowder
%%
That's entertainment!
					-- Vlaad the Impaler
%%
Numerical superiority is of no consequence.  In battle, victory will go to the
best tactician.
					-- G. A. Custer
%%
Anything worth doing is worth doing for a profit.
					-- Tericius
%%
There is more at stake here than our lives.
					-- Col. Travis (Alamo Pep Talk)
%%
One need not fear superior numbers if the opposing force has been properly
scouted and appraised.
					-- S. Bull
%%
"Should old acquaintance be forgot . . ."
					-- Count of Monte Cristo
%%
This is no game for old men! Send in the boys!
					-- W. Hayes
%%
Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce.
					-- Henry VIII
%%
We're looking for a few good men.
					-- B. Cassidy
%%
I'll worry about it it tomorrow.
					-- S. O'Hara
%%
Myth-conceptions are the major cause of wars!
					-- A. Hitler
%%
Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior.
					-- Hun, A. T.
%%
Just before the battle, Mother, I was thinking most of you. . .
					-- Sonny Barker
%%
What if they gave a war and only one side came?
					-- Lucifer
%%
Chain of command is the backbone of military structure and must be strictly
obeyed.
					-- F. Christian
%%
It takes a giant to fight a giant.
					-- H. Prym
%%
Hell hath no fury like a demon scorched!
					-- C. Mather
%%
What is this, a Chinese fire drill?
					-- Sun Tzu
%%
"... and then I said to myself, 'Why should I split it two ways?'"
					-- G. Mouser
%%
Is everybody happy?
					-- Machiavelli
%%
All's well that ends well.
					-- E. A. Poe
%%
Dragons and Demons and Kings, Oh my!
					-- the Cowardly Klahd
%%
When old friends get together, everything else fades to insignificance.
					-- War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death
%%
That's funny; I never have any trouble with service when I'm shopping.
					-- K. Kong
%%
'Weird' is a relative, not an absolute term.
					-- Baron Frank N. Furter
%%
Nothing is impossible. Anything can be accomplished with proper preparation and
planning.
					-- Ponce de Leon
%%
Now you see it, now you don't.
					-- H. Shadowspawn
%%
A friend in need is a pest.
					-- Fafhrd
%%
Once more into the breach...
					-- Zarna, the Human Cannonball
%%
War may be Hell... but it's good for business.
		-- The Association for Merchants, Manufacturers, and Morticians
%%
Old heroes never die; they reappear in sequels.
					-- M. Moorcock
%%
What do you mean, "You've got a little job for me?"
					-- Hercules
%%
Out of the frying pan, into der fire.
					-- The Swedish Chef
%%
If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, baffle them with bullshit.
					-- Prof. H. Hill
%%
As any magacian will tell you -- Myth Direction is the secret of a successful
steal.
					-- D. Henning
%%
Or was it unlock the safe then swim to the surface?
					-- H. Houdini
%%
"... and then the fun began."
					-- N. Bonaparte
%%
I'm sure we can talk things out like civilized people.
					-- J. Wayne
%%
What's the point-spread on World War III?
					-- R. Reagan
%%
Why should I have to pay a troll just to cross a bridge?
					-- B. G. Gruff
%%
What are friends for?
					-- R. M. Nixon
%%
We've got an unbeatable team!
					-- Sauron
%%
No matter what the game, no matter what the rules, the same rules apply to
both sides!
					-- Hoyle's Law
%%
Life is full of little surprises.
					-- Pandora
%%
The contest has to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
					-- H. Cossell
%%
If you can't win fair, just win!
					-- U. S. Grant
%%
Winning isn't the most important thing; it's the only thing.
					-- J. Ceaser
%%
Ask not for whom the bell tolls --
					-- M. Ali
%%
There's something to be said for relatives... It has to be said because it's
unprintable!
					-- A. Einstein
%%
When things are blackest, I just tell myself, "Cheer up, things could be
worse!" And sure enough, they get worse!
					-- Skeeve
%%
Once a knight, always a knight, but once is King is once too often.
					-- Sir Bella of Eastmarch
%%
Duty: A fee paid for transacting in good(s).
					-- U. S. Dept. of Commerce
%%
The only thing worse than a sorcerer is a sorcerer's apprentice.
					-- M. Mouse
%%
Good information is hard to get. Doing anything with it is even harder!
					-- L. Skywalker
%%
There is no counter for a spirited woman except a spirited drink.
					-- R. Butler
%%
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you!
					-- Y. Arafat
%%
I don't know why anyone would be nervous about going to see royalty.
					-- P. in Boots
%%
Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into negotiations.
					-- G. Patton
%%
Tell you what. Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you...
					-- Beelzebub
%%
I'm making this up as I go along.
					-- I. Jones
%%
Marriage, being a lifelong venture, must be approached with care and caution.
					-- Bluebeard
%%
Some farewells are easier than others.
					-- P. Marlowe
%%
In a war against organized crime, survival is a hit or myth proposition.
					-- M. Bolan
%%
It's always easier to destroy than to create.
					-- Any general, any army, any age
%%
The best laid plans often go a fowl.
					-- Wile E. Coyote
%%
Life can be profitable, if you know the odds.
					-- Ripley
%%
These blokes need to be taught to respect their superiors.
					-- Gen. Cornwallis
%%
Figure the last thing you would expect the enemy to do, then count on him
doing precisely that
					-- Richelieu
%%
Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!
					-- V. Dracula
%%
Reputations are fine up to a point. After that they become a pain!
					-- D. Juan
%%
Success often hinges on choosing a reliable partner.
					-- Remus
%%
Reliable information is a must for successful planning.
					-- C. Columbus
%%
It's useless to try to plan for the unexpected... by definition!
					-- A. Hitchcock
%%
To survive, one must be able to adapt to changing situations.
					-- Tyrannosaurus Rex
%%
An agent is a vampire wiht a telephone.
					-- Any Editor
%%
I don't see anything thrilling about it!
					-- M. Jackson
%%
First, let's decide who's leading and who's following.
					-- F. Astaire
%%
My colleagues and I feel that independents like ElfQuest are nothing but sheep
in wolves' clothing.
					-- S. Lee
%%
What's wrong with a little harmess crime once in a while?
					-- M. Blaise
%%
Nice jail. Looks strong.
					-- H. Houdini
%%
For the right person, the impossible is easy!
					-- Dumbo
%%
I've never seen so damn many Indians.
					-- G. A. Custer
%%
Relax, Julie. Everyone will understand.
					-- Romeo
%%
Everybody needs a career manager!
					-- Lady Macbeth
%%
Don't be fooled by appearances.
					-- Malloy
%%
The trail's got to be 'round here somewhere!
					-- D. Boone
%%
I didn't come all this way to sit out the fight!
					-- R. Balboa
%%
All right, pilgrim. This is between you and me!
					-- A. Hamilton
%%
There's no accounting for taste!
					-- Colonel Sanders
%%
The difference between an inside straight and a blamed fool is callin' the
last bet!
					-- B. Maverick
%%
Kids? Who said anything about kids?
					-- Conan
%%
I'm doing this for your own good!
			-- Any establishment executioner... or any parent
%%
A doll is a doll is a doll.
					-- F. Sinatra
%%
Such stuff drams are made of.
					-- S. Beauty
%%
Bring the whole family... but leave the kids at home!
					-- R. McDonald
%%
There's a time to fight, and a time to hide out!
					-- B. Cassidy
%%
What did I do wrong?
					-- Lear, Rex
%%
They never let you live it down. One little mistake!
					-- Nero
%%
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!
					-- L. Borgia
%%
I believe we're under attack.
					-- Col. Travis
%%
No one should hide their true self behind a false face.
					-- L. Chaney
%%
Your Majesty should pay attention to his appearance.
					-- H. C. Anderson
%%
Sometimes luck isn't enough.
					-- L. Luciano
%%
I need all the friends I can get.
					-- Quasimodo
%%
I thought we were friends!
					-- Banquo
%%
Shut up and deal!
					-- F. D. R.
%%
Cast your fate to the winds.
					-- L. Bernstein
%%
Can't you take a joke?
					-- T. Eulenspiegel
%%
So what else is new?
					-- W. Cronkite
%%
Petty crime is the scourge of business today.
					-- D. Lorean
%%
It all hinges on your definition of 'a good time'!
					-- L. Borgia
%%
It's all a matter of taste.
					-- B. Midler
%%
If you're too busy to help your friends, you're too busy!
					-- L. Iacocca
%%
What fools these mortals be.
					-- Smaug
%%
Not everything in life is funny.
					-- R. L. Asprin
%%
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
%%
All societies are based on rules to protect pregnant women and young children.
All else is surplusage, excrescence, adornment, luxury, or folly which can -
and must - be dumped in emergency to preserve this prime function.  As racial
survival is the only universal morality, no other basic is possible.  Attempts
to formulate a "perfect society" on any other foundation other than "Women and
children first!" is not only witless, it is automatically genocidal.
Nevertheless, starry-eyed idealists (all of them male) have tried endlessly-
and no doubt will keep on trying.
					-- Lazarus Long
%%
Always listen to experts.  They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then
do it.
					-- Lazarus Long
%%
Any sort of violence done from hate of something or someone will only have
detrimental effects - on you!
					-- Xavier R. Quinton
%%
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation
is for monks.
					-- Lazarus Long
%%
It is better to copulate than never.
					-- Lazarus Long
%%
Judgment Day is not a thing that can be delayed overlong.
					-- Roger Zelazny
%%
Make your enemies by choice, not by accident. The same applies
to friends.
					-- Xavier R. Quinton
%%
Sex should be friendly.  Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more
sanitary.
					-- Lazarus Long
%%
Of all the idiotic terms Homo Sapiens has created to describe itself,
"manliness" is the worst, basically because it is se- mantically null.
"Manliness" involves being "brave and "courageous."  If a person is willing
to lay down his life to protect those he loves and cares for, he is more
"manly" than anyone who hides behind a phrase.
					-- Xavier R. Quinton
%%
Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes.	Keep this in mind; it may
offer a way to make him your friend.  If not, you can kill him without hate -
and quickly.
					-- Lazarus Long
%%
    Heaven is: an American salary, an English house, a Chinese cook, and a
Japanese wife.
    Hell is: a Chinese salary, a Japanese house, an English cook, and an
American wife.
					-- Peter Kegelman
%%
I'm a streamer -- to miss is to die
%%
Born to stream
%%
Don't bother correcting me when you know I'm right.
%%
Don't bother correcting me when you know you're wrong.
%%
    A wizard is only as good as his spells," people will often say. It is
telling however, that this statement is only made by people who have never
been wizards themselves.
    Those of us who have chosen to pursue a sorcerous career know that a
knowledge of spells is only one small facet of the successful magician. Equally
vital are a quick wit, a soothing tongue, and, perhaps most important, a
thorough knowledge of back alleys, underground passageways, and particularly
dense patches of forest, for those times when the spell you knew so well
doesn't quite work after all.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I
%%
    In magic, as in all true professions, there are rules by which you must
play. At least, you must play by them until such time as you can get away with
something else.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I
				   (Preface)
%%
    Some people think of wizards as nothing more than men in pointy hats who
like to go around turning people into toads. Nothing could be farther from the
truth. Perhaps wizards should come together and agree on a saying or two to
better humanize their profession; for instance, "Wizards are wonderful!" or
"Take a wizard to lunch!" Yet I doubt this will ever occur, for wizards are by
and large a solitary breed. Still, this should not stop you from trying to
understand my procession. If you should offer, for example, to take a wizard
to lunch, I imagine he would go gladly. And if you were to tell a wizard he
wasn't wonderful, I'm sure he would be quite happy to turn you into a toad.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I
%%
    Wizards should not go seeking revenge, killing, or death in general. After
all, revenge, killing, and death in general have a way of showing up whether
you are looking for them or not.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I
%%
    It is of tremendous importance, when a wizard enters a battle, that he
should have prepared sufficient spells beforehand to meet anything that he
might face during the coming fight. It is even more important that the wizard
act bravely during hte course of the fight, so that he might do credit to the
names of wizards everywhere. And what happens should the magician's army lose
the fray? Of the greatest importance of all, therefore, is the wizard's
insistence that, before the battle, he be paid in full.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. III
%%
    Wizards encounter periods of crisis from time to time. It comes with the
job, right along with the robes and the pointy hat. Now, some wizards thrive on
crisis, and there is quite a bit of gold to be made, should the wizard survive,
by thrusting oneself into the thick of things. The more experienced mage,
however, makes ample use of soothsaying spells, so that he may collect the
monies, reassure the populace, and still have time to leave the area before the
thick of things arrives.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. IV
%%
    Every sorcerer should explore as much of the world as he can, for travel
is enlightening. There are certain circumstances, such as a major spell gone
awry, or an influential customer enraged at the size of your fee, where travel
becomes more enlightening still.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. V
%%
    Your average ghost is a much more complex and interesting individual than
is generally imagined. Just because someone is dragging chains or has one's
head perpetually in flames does not necessarily make them of a lesser class.
Some ghosts, especially those with heads attached and mouths to speak through,
are actually quite good conversationalists, with other-worldly stories by the
score. In addition, ghosts generally subscribe to the happy custom of
disappearing completely at dawn, a habit many living associates and relatives
might do well to cultivate.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VI
				   (Appendix B)
%%
    When traveling, the sages say, one must always be prepared to accept local
customs. Yet there are areas of this very kingdom where one might find it
customary to tax a wizard into poverty; to insist a wizard should not be paid,
for magic exists only for the common good; or even to tar and feather a wizard
unsuccessful at his task. Contrary to the sages, when one is traveling in these
areas, one should be prepared to avoid local customs altogether.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VI
%%
    The professional wizard, it is said, should always watch his hands.
Actually, the truly professional wizard should watch a great many other things
as well, including the reactions of his audience, the door or window that
constitutes the nearest exit, and, perhaps most important, the constantly
fluctuating interest rates on his retirement account in the First Bank of
Vushta.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VI
%%
    There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here and
there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for wonder.
There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up your nose
and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VII
%%
    There are as many styles of magic as there are magicians. While much of
magic is gaudy, noisy, and easily appreciated by the masses, it goes without
saying that some of the finest sorcery is also the most subtle; small, delicate
changes in the fabric of being that often can only be discerned by another
wizard's practiced eye. Occasionally, even a wizard as learned as myself will
experience a twinge of regret that I have not yet conquered some of the most
delicate aspects of my art; that, for example, I have not learned the Eastern
finger magic, where, by the turn of a knuckle, the mage may make the flowers
sing. And perhaps some day my fingers might learn that art, on the day they
become tired from constantly carrying about the large amounts of gold I receive
for performing the more gaudy and noisy magic that pays so well.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VII
%%
    A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of beings
that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. It also does
no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club near your person
at all times.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VIII
%%
    Even for a wizard there will often come times when someone close to you,
perhaps even your spouse, criticizes your habits by comparing them to those of
animals. This is distinctly unfair to the animals, who have far better habits
than we in many areas. When, for example, have you seen a frog collecting taxes
or a squirrel running for electoral office? Present arguments like these to
those people who criticize you. If they still do not see the wisdom of your
ways, you may then feel free to bite them.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. IX
%%
    It is a mistake to think of all demons as being exactly alike. Some are
short while others are tall; some are yellow, others are blue; some are nasty
and others are extremely nasty. Some of the nastiest are quite fast as well.
Should you encounter one of these, it is a mistake to think at all. Much more
appropriate are such responses as running, screaming, and the very rapid
formation of a last will and testament.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. IX
%%
    Magicians must exercise caution in all things. Each of you has heard the
story of the mage who perfected the gold producing spell, only to be crushed
by his newfound wealth. Less well known is the story of the sorcerer who turned
everyone he didn't like into a toad, until the day he exercised the spell on an
entire unfriendly village and was found the next morning hopped to death. Then,
of course, there is the extremely unpleasant story of the wizard who doubled as
a gentleman farmer, and his perfection of a manure abundance spell. Whether
this latter mage is still alive or not is open to debate, for no one has ever
had the wherewithal to visit the scene of his accident to find out.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XII
%%
    A wizard's reputation is his bond, or so the sages say. And, as all learned
men know, a reputation is difficult to build, and all too easily besmirched.
The wizard with a fallen reputation is often led to less savory forms of
employ, and, while these sometimes pay better than whatever the wizard was
doing before, they are not the sort of thing one writes home to Mother about.
The successful wizard, therefore, should develop three or four reputations
simultaneously, and then, happily, will have one for every occasion.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XIII
%%
    'Never trust another sorcerer' is a saying unfortunately all too common
among magical practitioners. Actually, there are many instances where one can
easily trust a fellow magician, such as cases where no money is involved, or
when the other mage is operating at such a distance that his spells can't
possibly affect you.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XIV
%%
    Wizards are constantly subject to negative publicity. A case in point. One
elderly wizard of my acquaintance, whenever he was bothered by unexpected
guests, would immediately cast one of three spells upon them, either turning
them to stone, transforming them into segmented worms, or blasting them
entirely out of the kingom. Now, some wrong-headed do-gooders, hearing about
the aged mage's predilections, formed an angry torch-bearing mob, forcing the
now wronged wizard to flee to a distant kingdom altogether. How much better it
would have been if the aged wizard had thought to inform the populace of the
true benefits of the spells he used on those who came to bother him! For
example, those people who have experienced it will tell you that nothing is
more restful than being turned to stone, while transformation into a worm
brings you closer to the earth. As to being totally blasted from the wizard's
domain, I challenge you: Can you think of any other way you can travel such a
great distance for free?
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XVI
%%
    Contrary to rumor, working side by side with a group of fellow wizards is
not the most unpleasant task in which a magician might participate. In fact, I
can think of numerous other experiences, such as breaking both arms and legs
while being pursued by a ravenous demon, which, under certain conditions, could
conceivably be even worse.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXII
%%
    Wizards, like all mortals, need their rest. Casting spells, righting
wrongs, and putting a little away for your old age can all be draining
occupations. The true wizard must therefore always insist on a good night's
sleep, and a few days' respite between tasks. After some particularly grueling
work, a couple of weeks in the country are not out of line. In the aftermath
of truly major assignments, of course, nothing less than a seaside vacation
will do. And what of those situations in which a wizard's work affects the very
world around him, perhaps the fabric of the cosmos itself? Well, be advised
that prime accomodations in Vushta must be reserved at least two months in
advance.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXIII
%%
    There comes a time when a wizard must put his fate totally in the hands of
another. This takes great courage, and great faith in the ability of others to
perform some function that is beyond you. But there are benefits to this course
of action as well. Should this task reach a successful conclusion, it will show
you the worthiness of your fellow beings, and lead you to trust in the
providence of the universe. And, of course, should the task not be successful,
there is always someone else to blame.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXVII
%%
    In a world that was totally objective and fair, size should make no
difference in the worth of any individual or creature. But, then again, wizards
should not have to work for a living, either.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXIX
%%
    Reasoned decision is important, and there comes a time in every wizard's
life when he must decide what goal he should pursue to give true meaning to his
life. Should it be money, or travel, or fame? And what of leisure and the love
of women? I myself have studied many of these goals for a number of years,
examining their every facet in some detail, so that, when the time comes to
make that fateful decision of which I spoke, it will be reasoned in the
extreme.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXI
%%
    Religion is a personal matter, and those of us in the sorcerous profession
would do well to steer clear of it. Still, you will find some situations, say
a spell accidentally demolishing someone's holy temple, where you will be given
the choice of (1) conversion to their belief, or (2) being sacrificed to their
deity. It is only at times like this when one realizes the true depth and
beauty of religions, at least until one can find some way out of town.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXI
%%
    Nothing is quite so unexpected as the truth. If, for example, you find
your spells inadequate to defeat the local dragon, immediately go to your
employers and apologize profusely. They should be so taken aback by your show
of humility that you will have plenty of time to hastily vacate the area,
allowing the dragon to eat your employers rather than you, and thus halt any
ugly rumors they might have spread about your competence.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXIII
%%
    Being trapped in the Netherhells is not the most fearsome thing that can
happen to you. It is, in fact, probably no worse than being trapped in a cave
for a weekend with all your spouse's relatives, and, in most cases, will not
lead to total drooling gibbering madness, as is the popular misconception. If,
on the other hand, you find yourself trapped in the Netherhells for a weekend
with all your spouse's relatives, well, sometimes drooling and gibbering can
be fun.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXIII
%%
    When there appears to be no hope; when all around you are screaming like
lost souls and every spell you try fails to work; when it appears that chaos
and evil will at last triumph over good -- then it is truly time for a
vacation.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXV
%%
    There is talk in some learned circles in our major cities about whether or
not satyrs, centaurs, griffins ans certain other fantastic beasts really exist,
or are only the product of the popular imagination. As a wizard, I, of course,
tend to side with the satyrs, centaurs and griffins, especially when these
beasts begin to doubt the existence of any learned circles in our major cities.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXVI
%%
    Some mages balk at performing spells during an ocean voyage, preferring
instead to dabble in sorcery in tiny rooms, precariously perched atop the aerie
towers that this sort of magician always seems to favor. The logic of this
preference has always eluded me. After all, should something go amiss with
either your spell or your relationship with your employer, just think how much
easier it is to swim than it is to fly.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXVIII
%%
    Casual amusement can be one of a wizard's greatest problems. After all,
when one can conjure virtually anything, what can one do to 'get away from it
all?'
    Different wizards arrive at different solutions for their entertainment.
A sorcerer of my acquaintence decided to increase his physical prowess through
a vigorous program of exercise but found that his new muscles were wont to rip
through his robes midconjure. Another mage decided to develop the interplay
between tongue and teeth so that he could exactly reproduce any insect noise
imaginable. He became so successful at this that they discovered his corpse one
midsummer's eve, suffocated by six thousand three hundred and two amorous
katydids. And the wizard who tried to start personal communications between
humans and sheep... well, the less said the better.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XLIV
%%
    The common folk have many sayings, all about it being darkest before the
dawn and clouds with silver linings and suchlike. We in the magical trade like
to express our opinions of these matters somewhat differently. A lifetime of
experience will have taught the average sorcerer that no matter how hopeless
the situation seems, no matter how painful and fraught with danger his options
may be, no matter how close he may be to an indescribably hideous death and
perhaps even eternal damnation, still, the good wizard knows, it can always
get worse.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XLVI
				   (General Introduction)
%%
    A wizard must do his best not to judge any person or thing on their first
appearance. Many a human or other intelligent creature will have hidden depths
to their personalities which you will only discover as you get to know them and
work with them; and hidden cash reserves, which you can bill them for regularly
as this aforementioned knowledge process takes place.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LVI
%%
    Beginnings and endings are, for the most part, artificial constructs. You
say you begin when you are born, but what of those months spent growing in the
womb? Endings are hazier still, for futher things may occur that extend and
enlarge the earlier story. And that is my final sentence on the subject. Or
perhaps this one is the final sentence. No, most assuredly what I write now is
the final word on the matter. But now that I think upon it, perhaps this--
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LVII
				   (Abridged)
%%
    Magic weapons can, on occasion, be of great use, yet one more part of the
truly rounded wizard's arsenal of tricks, spells, and remarks for all
occasions. However, the thoroughly prepared mage will find certain spells of
even more importance than these, especially those enchantments which produce
magic wings, magic carpets, and magic running boots, for those times when the
rest of you arsenal fails you completely.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LVII
%%
    There comes a time when every wizard should retire, and pass the mantle of
responsibility on to younger shoulders. It behooves us, then, to teach our
successors well, so that the new wizard may do honor to our names, attract the
very best of clients, and be well enough paid to support our retirement home in
Vushta.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LXXI
%%
    The sages put great stock in saying that every ending is truly a beginning,
or every beginning an ending, or insisting that there are no endings or
beginnings, or remarking that there is nothing new, and we are doomed to
endlessly repeat ourselves. Or have I said all this before?
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LXXXVII
%%
    There is the truth, and there are lies, and there is nothing on Earth or in
the Netherhells that does not fall under one of these two headings, with the
exception of politics.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LXXXVIII
%%
    Perhaps I have given you the wrong impression. A wizard's life is not all
fame, fortune and frivolity. There must be periods of rest as well, when a
wizard should find a safe retreat where he can seclude himself from sorcery
and restore his health and vitality in the proper ascetic atmosphere. While
lengthy retreats can deplete a wizard's fortunes, I have always prefered the
ascetic atmosphere present in the pleasure gardens of Vushta, where a dozen
handmaidens can attend to your every need. And the budget-conscious sorcerer
should be sure to ask about their special mid-week retreat package plans.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XCV
				   (Special annual supplement)
%%
    Reunions can be a wonderful thing, especially when neither of the
reunited parties manage to recall what separated them in the first place.
				-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Wizard's Digest
				   Condensed edition
%%
    Q: And how do professional wizards cope with stress?
    A: Stress? The real wizard doesn't even recognize the meaning of the word.
Why are you still asking me questions? Can't you see I'm busy? This spell is
two days overdue! You're sitting on my reference books!
			-- "A Conversation with Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in
			   the Western Kingdoms," Wizard's Quarterly, Vol. 4,
			   No. 4 (Spring)
%%
    "What?" you cry. "Wizards sometimes must endure torture?" And it is true,
for being a wizard does not exempt you from any of the trials and tribulations
experienced by other humans.
    But I would ask you to consider just what you mean by "torture." What of
those occasions when you save a kingdom and then are forced to sit there and
listen for hours to endless numbers of boring elected officials extolling your
praises while the kingdom's tax collectors repossess nine-tenths of what you
gainfully earned at your task? Is this not torture? What about the times when
you are on the verge of creating a spell that will give you inner peace at last
and your spouse bursts into your study and tells you to clean up the mess
because all of your in-laws are coming to stay for three weeks, and we will
have to set up a bed in here because Aunt Sadie needs a place to sleep? Is this
not torture? And say you are attending a wizard's convention and are sure that
your gold production spell will win first prize in the competition, and then
they give the award to the animal husbandry spell of some part-time wizard
because the judge has a particular fondness for pigs? Is this not -- but why
belabor the obvious? By now you surely see my point. Laugh in the face of
torture! It is, after all, no worse than what they do to you every other day of
the week.
			-- Ask Ebenezum: The Greatest Wizard in the Western
			   Kingdoms Answers the Four Hundred Most Asked
			   Questions about Wizardry, fourth edition
%%
    Ebenezum: There are a number of ways of dealing with extreme stress. For
example, when all about you is going wrong and it looks as if you might not
survive your current circumstances, it is often helpful to think of a pleasant
thought.
    Interviewer: Do you mean, for example, how good it will feel to strangle,
pummel, and utterly destroy my enemy?
    Ebenezum: Well, no, you do not quite have the spirit of it. Think rather
of a flower, or rather, a group of flowers. Picture bright yellow daisies, or
stately red roses, full and fragrant. And now that you have this thought in
your mind, think how lovely those flowers will look on the grave of your enemy
once he has been strangled, pummeled, and utterly destroyed. It is only in this
way that the besieged wizard may find inner peace.
			-- Conversations With Ebenezum; A Series of Dialogues
			   With the Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms,
			   fourth edition
%%
    "Why don't you conjure a legendary city, full of magic spells and mystic
beasts, out of thin air?" the uninformed client asks. "Well, where would you
put it?" the wise wizard replies. "Have you seen the price of real estate?"
				-- Ebenezum The Wizard's Handy Guide To Better
				   Wizard/Client Relationships, fourth edition
%%
    Heroics can be costly and involve some degree of personal danger for the
participating wizard. But for the truly resourceful magician, this does not
have to be! Consider the advantages of long-distance magic, by which you may
gain all the publicity value and save all the expense. But, you say, don't
heroes have to be present at the battle? For the properly prepared mage,
nothing could be more heroic than a well-timed combination of printed
handbills, subtly placed rumor, and perhaps a brief personal appearance tour.
Still expensive? Nonsense! Do you know how much a heroic wizard can charge for
personal appearances?
				-- Ebenezum The Wizard's Handy Pocket Guide To
				   Everyday Wizardry
%%
    So you think you know great, nail-biting excitement, you think you know
truly abject fear, you think you know total and complete despair, you think
you know the incredibly degenerate underside of this world we live in, and the
ridiculously despicable lengths that your fellow man can sink to, more rotten,
more putrid than the lowest form of fungus... Oh. You are a sorcerer as well.
Then perhaps you do.
			-- Further Conversations with Ebenezum, Vol. III
%%
    And what is the professional wizard's greatest reward for completing a
particularly arduous and dangerous task? Is it the accolades of a grateful
populace? Is it huge amounts of gold and silver tossed about his feet? Is it
the complementary vacation in the pleasure gardens of Vushta, or his official
removal from the tax rolls? Although all of these other factors are important
for the wizard to feel truly honored, they pale before the professional
wizard's basic and oh-so-necessary demand: The stipulation that he never has
to repeat that particularly arduous and dangerous task, or one even remotely
like it, for as long as he shall live.
    Truly professional wizards, after all, must set priorities.
		-- How to Hire a Wizard and Still Profit From the Upcoming
		   Netherhells Crisis, by Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the
		   Western Kingdoms (book still in progress)
%%
    A wizard must always know how to use words. Practice smiling as you recite
the following simple exercise. First: "The spell has not worked. It si best
that you get out of your house before it explodes." Second: "The spell has not
worked, It is best I get out of here before you explode." And third: "The spell
has not worked. Will you please pay me the rest of my retainer before your
money explodes with you?" Delivering lines like these with conviction is the
sign of a professional sorcerer.
			-- The Wizard Finals: A Study Guide (Third Edition)
			   Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms
%%
    And what do you do if you come upon a dark cave? Then the knowledgeable
wizard would say: "Into darkness, let there be light." And the truly
knowledgeable wizard would add: "Let there also be cheese, bread, fresh
vegetables, plenteous members of the opposite sex, and enough mead to make it
a thorougly enjoyable weekend!"
		-- Thirty Days to Better Wizardry, by Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard
		   in the Western Kingoms, fourth edition
%%
    When one first arrives in Vushta, one should beware of street sellers
offering forbidden delights near the outskirts of town. These first delights
are far more shoddy in nature than those to be had in the inner City, and can
be actively unpleasant if you do not have an affinity for goats.
			-- Vushta on Twenty-Five Pieces of Gold a Day, by
			   Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms,
			   revised, updated fourth edition
%%
A little ignorance can go a long way.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Hell hath no Fury like a pacifist!
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The most important invention in the history of the human race is the written
contract. It makes it possible for individual parties to list all the different
ways they distrust each other.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
There is no such thing as absolute truth.
That is absolutely true.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The only winner of the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's
start with typewriters.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Rome didn't fall in a day either.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.
Fickle, fickle Lord.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
History is written by the survivors.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The universe does not give first warnings. Or second chances.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Cats don't adopt people. They adopt refrigerators.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Every question defines its own answer -- except perhaps, "Why a duck?"
					-- Solomon Short
%%
You can't fight the law of conservation of energy. You can bargain with it,
but you can't fight it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Bread always falls butter-side down. If it doesn't, you buttered it on the
wrong side.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
History is full of revisionists. Where it used to say, "THOU SHALT NOT KILL",
it now says, "except as specified in section III-B, Paragraph 12, Sub-section
D, Schedule 3." If that still doesn't suit you, wait till next year's
commandments come out and trade it in for something that does.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The boss may not always be right, but he's always the boss.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
What do you mean, "There's no such thing as a free lunch?" *YOU* are the free
lunch!
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Frankly, I'm an agnostic. I believe the universe is innocent until proven
guilty.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
You are not entitled to an opinion. An opinion is what you have when you don't
have any facts. When you have the facts, you don't need an opinion.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A problem can be found for almost every solution.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A diploma only proves that you know how to look up an answer.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The liberal of any species is always more dangerous -- because he always seems
so much more rational.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Dogs are always loyal. They've never learned better.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Common sense isn't.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The hard questions always have more than one right answer. The easy questions
have no answers at all. That's the universe's way of keeping things balanced.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Art is almost always a political statement -- and politics is almost always
an art.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The Constitution of the United States guarantees every individual the right to
make a damn fool of himself -- in public or private, however he chooses.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Money talks. Usually it says, "Bend over."
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Elevators always travel in groups. Only one of them knows the way.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Thoreau was no band-leader. The sound of all those different drummers makes it
hell to organize a parade.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
When you divide people into _u_s and _t_h_e_m, you automatically become one of _t_h_e_m.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the
psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Neurosis is a communicable disease.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Never justify anything. If it needs justification, it's already wrong.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Self-abuse is the sincerest kind.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
It ain't so hard to die for a cause. Any idiot can do that. What takes real
genius is living for one.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The only way to stop war once and for all is to keep it from being so much fun.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Remember, today could just as easily be the LAST day of the rest of your life.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Nature abhors a hero.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
You have to know what you're looking for before you can find it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Somebody should have warned the Trojans. Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Bad taste is timeless.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
You deserve the gods you worship.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Murphy's Law is always a good excuse.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
I do not believe that an increase in intelligence represents real progress for
humanity. It is much more likely that it will only enable us to make a higher
class of mistake.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Entropy has us outnumbered.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The nice thing about dying is that once you've gotten it over with, you can
stop being afraid of it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A hero is a man who consistently violates the law of conservation of energy.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
I miss the dinosaurs.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The human race never solves any of its problems. It only outlives them.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Never trust a tall dwarf. He's lying about something.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Television does not honor tradition. Most of the time, it doesn't even
recognize it. Therefore, it can only destroy.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Armies aren't known for neatness.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Artificial food is expensive. Nothing makes steak as efficiently as a cow.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Writing for television is a debilitating exercise. How can you inspire an
audience to their best when every fourteen minutes someone interrupts to tell
them that they're unfit to live with? The ultimate purpose of commercial
television is to convince the viewer that he smells bad.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Don't be so proud. You are not an intelligence until after you pass the Turing
test.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The universe is full of surprises -- most of them nasty.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The great mass of men lead lives of quiet domestication.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Probability is a constant.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Sour grapes usually make sour whine...
					-- Solomon Short
%%
There is only one commandment:	Thou Shalt Not Waste.
All the others are superfluous.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Just when you think it's finally settled, it isn't.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The Three Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
    1.	An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
    2.	An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
    3.	The energy required to change either of these states will always be
	more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task
	appear prospectively impossible.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Every mistake is another opportunity to beat yourself up.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The trouble with the Ten Commandments is that there are too many "Thou Shalt
Not"s and not enough "Thou Shalt"s.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
You'll find it in the last place you look.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
People will go to the most incredible lengths to make fools of themselves.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The blind man looking in a mirror cannot see he has no eyes. So what?
					-- Solomon Short
%%
New problems demand new solutions.
New solutions create new problems.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The amount of entropy in the universe is constant -- except when it increases.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
All life is based on death. Nothing exists except by feeding on something else.
Even photosynthesis depends on the heat-death of the sun. Humanity is not
exempt. Embalming doesn't cheat the worms, it cheats the system. But only
temporarily.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Life is to the universe as rust is to iron.
We are, in the final judgement (on a planetary scale, certainly), nothing more
than an advanced form of corrosion, just one more way for the universe to wear
itself out a little faster.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The cat is always on the wrong side of the door.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Distrust everything sold at check-out stands.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
It is almost always dangerous to be right too soon.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Space is not the final frontier.
The final frontier is the human soul. Space is merely the place where we are
most likely to meet the challenge. The victory will occur in the continual
process of challenging and testing our limits -- both as individuals and as a
species -- and not in the amount of territory conquered.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
If you want to bring a centipede to a crashing halt, ask it in which order it
moves its legs.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
I try not to pay to much attention to the news. It's always full of other
people's problems.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
There is no such thing as justice. There is only the desire to see the pain
spread around equally.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Life is like surrealism. If you have to have it explained to you, you can't
afford it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A full bladder is the best alarm clock in the world.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
I'd feel a lot better about doctors if it weren't called practice.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Christ was grandstanding when he chased the moneylenders out of the temple.
Yes, he made his point, but he also ruined his credit rating.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
How successful were your parents? Well -- how quickly did you forgive them?
					-- Solomon Short
%%
There is no such thing as overkill.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
There's always someone willing to disagree with me; but I'm the one who's
called controversial.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
-- and those who cannot teach, criticize.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The human brain is the only computer in the world made out of meat.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
You don't need a lid on a basket of crabs. If one of them tries to climb out,
the others will pull it back down.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
TINSTAFL - There Is No Such Thing As Free Love
					-- Solomon Short
%%
It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Chastity is its own punishment.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Resorting to lawyers is proof of failure.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their
sex organs.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
I take it back. A full bladder is the world's second best alarm clock.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
If you do something often enough, it becomes a habit.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
God and I came to an agreement a long time ago. I don't ask Him to solve my
problems, He doesn't as me to solve His. This arrangement works just fine.
God has more than enough to worry about already. So do I.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Happiness is not a goal. It's a by-product.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
When you pass the buck, don't ask for change.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Humanity persists in spite of itself.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The nice thing about self-love is that it's hardly ever unrequited.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
It is impossible to wean kittens. Wait till their claws get sharp enough and
the cat will do the job herself.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
This neurotic pursuit of sanity is driving us all crazy.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Every time you fall in love, it's the first time.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
If we are all part of the image of God, then each of us is closest to God when
we are held in the arms of another human being.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Sex is better than chess, because sex has two winners.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Reality can be useful.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Most people live their lives as if they think God isn't paying any attention
to them.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
If Helen Keller falls down in the forest, does she make a sound?
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Cream isn't all that floats to the top.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The last two words of the Star-Spangled Banner are not "Play Ball!"
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Understanding the laws of nature does not mean that we are immune to their
operations.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Life never gets so bad that it can't get worse.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Morality and practicality should be congruent. If they're not, then there's
something wrong with either one or the other.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Violence is the last word of the illiterate.
Also the first.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Design flaws travel in herds.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Jesus only told us half of it. The truth will set you free. But first it's
going to piss you off.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The game of life is always called on account of darkness.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Commitment isn't a chore. It's a challenge.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A man is known by the enemies he keeps.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A lot of what I say comes off as political satire. In that, I have a lot in
common wiht Congress.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Paranoids tend to persecute free men.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
It's easier to believe in God than to accept the blame ourselves.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A limerick is a primitive art form; it starts with a pair o'dactyls.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A gentleman is one who doesn't demand a lady prove that she is.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Onions don't cause heartburn; they only make it interesting.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Never trust a grapefruit.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
I've known for years that I have no humility. It's a virtue, to be sure, but I
can live with it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
If "Thou art God," then praising the Lord is an act of conceit. And praying is
just talking to yourself.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The minute you start to analyze why sex feels so good, it stops feeling good
and starts feeling silly.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Guns don't die. People do.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
People do not hire lawyers because they want justice. People hire lawyers
because they want revenge.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Truth never tranquilizes. The defining property of truth is its ability to
disturb.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A sane environment in one in which there is room to be crazy. A crazy
environment is one in which there is no room to be sane.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A man of God should be identifiable as a man of God in spite of his religion,
not because of it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
No one is afraid to die without first being afraid to live.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A baby is the human race's way of insisting that the universe give it another
chance.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Discretion is the better part of survival.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The moment in which you confront your own death is the moment in which you are
most totally alive.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
If this be reason, make the most of it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Death is the best part of life. That's why they save it for last.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
When you pass the buck, don't ask for change.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Misery only LIKES company. It prefers loneliness.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Nobody ever died badly. They got the job done, didn't they?
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Even Murphy's Law doesn't work all the time.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Children are the only minority who grow into their own oppressors.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A friend is someone who likes you in spite of yourself.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Let sleeping dogma lie.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The universe has its own cure for stupidity. Unfortunately, it doesn't always
apply it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A taboo is someone else's rule about what you may or may not do with your own
body.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Good neighbors make good fences.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
No man is an island, but some of us are pretty good peninsulas.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
There is no such thing as a holy war.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Lightning is one hell of a murder weapon -- and the best part is, it can't be
traced.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The best thing about war is that it makes it all right to hate.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Purity is almost always toxic.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Expect the worst. You'll never be disappointed.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Everything is connected to everything else. That's why it's so hard to keep a
secret.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
For every action, there is an equal but opposite critical analysis.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
If you build a better mousetrap, you'll catch a better class of mouse.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Immortality is easy. It's wearing your watch that makes you grow old. (Also,
cut out spicy foods after age one hundred and seventy.)
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Nobody is ever really ready for anything. If they were, there would be no point
in living through it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
How did the Wicked Witch of the West take a bath?
					-- Solomon Short
%%
The lights are most likely to come back on at the precise moment you find the
flashlight.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Of course, kick a man when he's down. It's the best time. If you're not willing
to kick him when he's down, then don't kick him when he's up either.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Malpractice makes malperfect.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Bad luck is universal. Don't take it personally.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
When you transcend the medium, you have achieved art.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
I've always had trouble with employers. They forget that they're only renting
my judgement, not buying my soul. That's why they're paying so much.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
It's not who wins or loses that counts -- it's who keeps score.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Always be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Those who abhor history are compelled to rewrite it.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
LOVING well is the best revenge.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
All life is barriers. All growth is the transcendence of barriers. It's the
dividing line that makes everything possible. Without it, there's nothing but
soup.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Isn't it amazing how much fun two people can have just by taking off their
clothes.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
It doesn't matter where you stand, it's still going to look like the middle.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I remain convinced that Man is the
missing link between apes and civilized beings.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Love is when you look into your lover's eyes and see God smiling back at you.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Genius is a perpetual notion machine.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Reality is what bumps into you when you stand still with your eyes open.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran word for idealist?
A.  Lunch
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran word for friend?
A.  Lunch
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call humans who have sex with them?
A.  Lunch
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a traffic jam?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans call an elevator?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans call New York?
A.  Dinner
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call Chicago?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans call Atlanta?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans call New Jersey?
A.  Hardtack
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call San Francisco?
A.  Quiche

Q.  What do Chtorrans call Oregon?
A.  Natural food

Q.  What do Chtorrans call Southern California?
A.  Granola (It's all fruits, nuts and flakes.)
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans do in Hollywood?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans do in Beverly Hills?
A.  Brunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans eat for brunch?
A.  A bagel, cream cheese, and Nova Scotia
%%
Make your own Chtorran joke:

Q.  ____________________________________________?
A.  Lunch
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a concrete bunker?
A.  Crunchy style
%%
Q.  What do you find in a Chtorran lunch box?
A.  Two slices of rye bread and Chicago

Q.  What does a Chtorran use for a toothpick?
A.  A jackhammer
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a stampede?
A.  An interesting challenge
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call Harlem?
A.  Soul food

Q.  What do Chtorrans call the United Nations?
A.  Smorgasbord

Q.  What do Chtorrans call Congress?
A.  Inedible
%%
Q.  What is the Chtorran word for picnic?
A.  Rome
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran version of the Heimlich maneuver?
A.  Eating Dr. Heimlich
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a chain saw?
A.  A good kisser
%%
Q.  What do you say to a Chtorran attacking a battalion?
A.  Don't play with your food
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a poodle?
A.  Hors d'oeuvres.
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a Hollywood lawyer?
A.  Tough
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a midget?
A.  Bite-size
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a carload of drunks?
A.  A jar of pickles
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a cemetery?
A.  Jerky
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call the morgue?
A.  A refrigerator

Q.  What do Chtorrans call the corpsicles?
A.  Cold cuts
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a blood bank?
A.  A juice bar
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call cremation?
A.  Wasting food
%%
Q.  Why did the Chtorran cross the road?
A.  To eat everything on the other side
%%
Q.  Where does a 500-pound gorilla sleep?
A.  Inside the Chtorran
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a political convention?
A.  A wild party
%%
Q.  What does a Chtorran call Moby Dick?
A.  Sushi
%%
Q.  What are the ingredients in Chtorran mouthwash?
A.  Kerosene, nitric acid and 32 lawyers
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a thousand worms in one big pile?
A.  A race to eat your way out

Q.  What does the winner get?
A.  Seconds
%%
Q.  Why don't Chtorrans take Alka-Seltzer?
A.  Indigestion is how a Chtorran knows it had a good time
%%
Q.  What did God say when He made the first Chtorran?
A.  Oh, shit
%%
Q.  What should you make when you invite a Chtorran to dinner?
A.  Your will
%%
Q.  What's meaner than a Chtorran with the clap?
A.  The lawyer who gave it to him
%%
Q.  What's the difference between a Chtorran and a lawyer?
A.  There are some things a Chtorran won't do

Q.  Why won't a Chtorran eat a lawyer?
A.  Even a Chtorran has some taste
%%
Q.  What do you call a Chtorran who eats its children?
A.  Well adjusted
%%
Q.  What's Chtorran Planned Parenthood?
A.  Tactical nukes
%%
Q.  What's a Chtorran abortion?
A.  A hungry rat on a string
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a hospital nursery?
A.  Hot canapes
%%
Q.  To a Chtorran, what's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A.  The bowling ball needs salt
%%
Q.  What do you call a Chtorran with gas?
A.  A showoff
%%
Q.  How do you housebreak a Chtorran?
A.  With a flamethrower

Q.  How do you teach a Chtorran to sit?
A.  Holler "sit!" and kick its hind legs out from under it
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call two people having sex?
A.  Making lunch
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call Carnegie Hall?
A.  Tasteful
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a fat-farm?
A.  An opportunity
%%
Q.  How can you tell a Chtorran was born in Vermont?
A.  It pours maple syrup on the babies before it eats them.
%%
Q.  What do you do with a Chtorran who's just eaten 15 babies?
A.  Burb it
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a swimming pool full of children?
A.  Cold soup
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call an obstetrician?
A.  A caterer - he delivers
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran national sport?
A.  Hide and eat
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call Amtrak?
A.  Fast food
%%
Q.  Why did the Chtorran eat Mt. Everest?
A.  Because it was there
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran word for Jacuzzi?
A.  Cup O'Soup
%%
Q.  What's the difference between a Chtorran and Viet Nam?
A.  The Chtorran burps
%%
Q.  What's the difference between a Chtorran and a volcano?
A.  The volcano has better manners
%%
Q.  What does hair on a Chtorran mean?
A.  It masticates
%%
Q.  How does a Chtorran have an abortion?
A.  It eats the eggs
%%
Q.  What do you say to a Chtorran who's eating the president?
A.  Bon appetit

Q.  What do you do when it's finished?
A.  Bring it the check
%%
Q.  What did the Chtorran get when it ate Mary Poppins?
A.  Diabetes

Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate the Supreme Court?
A.  Food poisoning
%%
Q.  Why did the Chtorran eat only one of the Vice-President's legs?
A.  It didn't want to leave him without a leg to stand on
%%
Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate a tank?
A.  Its minimum daily requirement of iron

Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate a Revelationist?
A.  An American flag pin

Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate Congress?
A.  The President's personal thanks
%%
Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate the President?
A.  Heartburn

Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate the Vice-President?
A.  Our deepest sympathies
%%
Q.  Where does a 500-lb. Chtorran eat?
A.  Anywhere it wants to
%%
Q.  What does a Chtorran call a grenade?
A.  A jaw-breaker
%%
A limerick is best when it's lewd,
Gross, titillating, and crude,
    But this one is clean
    -- Unless you are seen
Reading it aloud in the nude.
%%
A woman who once faked a lettera
Reference by which she could gettera
    Job much improved
    Regretted her move
When they asker her to show her et cetera.
%%
These poems have come out of my forehead.
The subjects are all fairly torrid
    -- Except for the few
    That will make you say, "Pugh!"
And those are the ones that are horrid.
%%
I have written some limericks quite fateful,
Malicious and vicious and hateful;
    But I've torn up the jokes
    That would sicken most folks,
And humanity ought to be grateful.
%%
When writing these verses of mine,
I start with a clever last line,
    Then work backward from there,
    Toward the opening pair,
With the hopes it'll all work out fine.
[Only sometimes it doesn't.]
%%
A king who was mad at the time,
Decreed limerick writing a crime;
    But late in the night
    All the poets would write
Verses without any rhyme or meter.
%%

