%%
Sex is friction. Preferably, friction with a friend. And preferably well-lubed.
After that, it's all a matter of taste.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
If God didn't want men to masturbate, then why did he make the opposable thumb?

If God didn't want women to masturbate, then why did she make the middle finger
longest?
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Gay people are at their most brilliant when one of them leaves the room.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Jesus had it coming. The self-righteous always get nailed.
					-- Solomon Short
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a urine specimen?
A.  Au jus
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a grizzly bear?
A.  A good fuck
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call the afterbirth?
A.  Dessert
%%
A limerick of classic proportion
Should have meter and rhyme and a portion
    Of humor quite lewd
    and a frightfully crude
Impossible sexual contortion.
%%
There was a young man named O'Quinn
With inordinate interest in skin.
    His singular goal
    When he found a hole
Was to do what he could to get in.
%%
There was a young fellow named Howard
Who was thought to be magically powered
    His dick was so short
    It looked like a wart
But when it stood up, it just towered.
%%
There was a young lady named Susie,
Who everyone thought was a floozy.
    She liked boy scout troops
    And Shriners, in groups;
"What the hell?" She replied, "I'm not choosy."
%%
A fellow who lived in West Perkin
Was always a-jerkin' his gherkin.
    Said he, "It's not fickle
    To play with my pickle.
At least my gherkin's a workin'.
%%
A proctologist name of McGee
Once bent over double to see
    An eyeball of glass
    He had shoved up his ass,
"-- So I can see one that looks back at me."
%%
Bart has a singular penis
For his wife who is built like a Venus.
    He awoke with a fright
    Last Saturday night:
"Hey! Something is coming between us!"
%%
A lady who lives in New Delhi
Has habits disgusting and smelhi.
    She likes to eat feces
    Of various species.
(The recipe is tattooed on her belhi.
%%
A daisy chain isn't a riddle,
Just some folks who are happy to fiddle,
    By twos and by threes,
    On their backs or their knees,
And it's fun getting caught in the middle!
%%
A lad with a marvelous bend
Has no need of a lover or friend.
    What he does to himself
    Would fill up a shelf,
But alas, he has come to his end.
%%
There was an old witch, name of Jessie
Whose crotch was all smelly and messie.
    She enjoyed a good squirm
    With an alien worm
-- And got stains all over her dressie.
%%
A lady who favors coition,
Has invented the spaceship position.
    She lies down with ease
    And pulls up her knees,
And hollers, "Lift off!" and "Ignition!"
%%
Isaac the famous seducer,
Will meet a young lass and conducer
    To let him get fresh
    With her quivering flesh,
But if there isn't the time, he'll just gucer.
%%
An old man of Texas named Tanners
Was notorious for his bad manners.
    When he noticed the start
    Of an imminent fart,
He'd announce it with bullhorns and banners.
%%
A woman who wanted to see,
If she stood up, how far she could pee,
    Had pardon to beg,
    When it ran down her leg,
And formed icicles off her left knee.
%%
A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie.
(Yes, this is that kind of story.)
    She did it with Joe
    And Larry and Moe
And Curly and Howard and Morrie.

And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry
And Lonnie and Horace and Boris and Barry
    And Donald and Harold
    And Ronald and Gerald
And Tommy and Dicky and Harry.

And ... Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd
And Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod
    And Brucie and Mark
    And Bobby and Clark
And she still isn't finished! My God!

And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken
And Dewey and Louie, then David again,
    And Willy and Ben
    And David again
And again and again and again.

And Danny and Manny and Gary and Fred
And Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned
    And Harvey and Len
    (then David again)
And -- hold on just a second, she's dead!
%%
There was a young man from St. Loo,
Who gave his dear sister a screw.
    Said he, with aplomb,
    "You're better than Mom."
Said she, "That's what Dad told me too!"
%%
A lady who didn't like flies
Managed to hide her surprise,
    When she opened up one
    And found it was fun.
Now she willingly widens her thighs.
%%
There was a young lady named Nancy,
Who liked having sex, plain or fancy,
    With lightning and thunder,
    And a profound sense of wonder,
But not with a partner -- much too chancy.
%%
There was a young lady quite tearful.
Of sucking a cock, she was fearful.
    In a moment of dread,
    She just turned her head.
And, boy! Did she get an earful!
%%
A mathematician named Boris
Had a wife with a wonderful clitoris.
    He charged a small fee
    For his colleagues to see
That it was made in the shape of a torus.
%%
The ladies all had to agree
That Mort's penis was too small to see.
    A whore named Louise
    Sniffed, "Who will THAT please?"
Mort proudly submitted, "Just me!"
%%
There was a young fellow named Fisk
Whose comings and goings were brisk.
    He hid things that were stolen
    Inside his colon,
And said, "Hey! It's my own *."         (Asterisk)
%%
A stunning young lady named Joan
Thought a penis was made with a bone.
    She just didn't know
    'Twas her sexual glow
That turned parts of men into stone.
%%
A midwife named Flo from Arabia
Often enjoys giving baby a
    Forty-volt shock
    To the base of the cock.
(On a girl, she goes for the labia.)
%%
I know of a lass who's for sale,
She's really a nice piece of tail,
    From June to September,
    She'll devour your member,
But the rest of the year, she's in jail.
%%
Miss Wilkerson thought it her duty
To maintain her conjugal beauty.
    She mixed up a paste
    Of industrial waste,
And applied it to her sweet patootie.

[The facts about beauty are known,
And well-learned by those who are grown:
    Beauty is thin,
    It lies on the skin,
But ugly goes down to the bone.]
%%
The punctual Cynthia Rolen
Missed a period, (or it was stolen)
    She looked up her ass
    With a tube made of glass,
But found only her own semi-colon;
%%
A short-organed fellow named Kevin
Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
    Then to eight and to nine,
    And though ten was divine,
There will be film at eleven.

[If you think that our boy's now a stud,
You've been fooled by the size of his pud.
    Although twelve inches soft,
    When it rises aloft,
He just faints from the sheer lack of blood.
%%
There once was a lady named Lizard,
Who got lost in a pink candy blizzard,
    With a fellow named Jim
    Who wanted to swim
Up her legs to visit her gizzard.
%%
There was a young fellow named Ted,
Who had a radio put in his head.
    Long wave or short,
    He did it for sport
-- And to improve his reception in bed.
%%
There was a young lady from Venus,
Whose body was shaped like a penis.
    A fellow named Hunt
    Was shaped like a cunt,
So it all worked out fine, just between us.
%%
There was an old bastard named Gene,
Impotent, selfish, and mean.
    His dick was so shamed
    By what the man claimed,
It pretended that it was a spleen.
%%
There once was a fellow named Jason,
Whose horrible death I would hasten.
    I'd feed him to worms,
    Just to see how he squirms
-- But they'd vomit his crap in a basin.
%%
With a French lass, it's unwise to trifle.
They have urges they simply can't stifle.
    A woman of France
    Will pull down her pants
At the sight of a towering eye-full.
%%
"My God!" screamed devout Mrs. Pike,
As she fondled her stableman's spike.
    "This is quite out of place,
    And a great loss of facee
-- But I think I have fallen in like!"
%%
A well-endowed fellow from Ortening
Prepared for an evening of sportening,
    With a boy from a disco,
    Till he lubed up with Crisco,
And discovered, alas, it was shortening!
%%
A lady who read Sigmund Freud,
Thought her genitals underemployed;
    So she put in a stand
    For a seven-piece band,
And held dances that we all enjoyed.
%%
A lady named Shirley was mellow
As she said to her eager young fellow,
    "I prefer bagels and lox
    to sucking off cocks,
Or even a nice dish of Jell-O!"
%%
There was a young man from St. Helens
Afflicted with shrinkin's and swellin's.
    His dick was so small
    It was not there at all,
But his balls looked like honeydew melons.
%%
A lady of South Madagascar
Wears a bag on her head; it's to mask her.
    A bottle of scotch
    Might loosen her crotch.
Wait here, I'll go and I'll ask her.
%%
Chuck is wierd, let the whole world know it.
He brought in his bucket to show it.
    We all had a fit
    When we saw it was shit.
We didn't know he was planning to throw it.
%%
"Which partners are best? Sixty-niners.
And better than that? Try the Shriners,"
    These are the results
    of consenting adults,
(And occasional like-minded minors.)
%%
A lady's iambic pentameter
Is thirty-two inches diameter.
    The breadth of her scansion
    Is due to expansion
In the pants of a critical amateur.
%%
There was a young fellow from Norwich
Who liked having sex with his porridge.
    With sugar and cream
    And a buttery scream --
(The leftovers went into storage.)
%%
There was a young fellow named Jim
Who liked to get naked and swim
    With plastic sex toys
    Shaped like pubescent boys,
'Cause he'd rather be gay than be grim.
%%
A lady who jogged in the breeze
Had bozoms that flapped to her knees.
    Said she, "They're quite warm,
    They keep me dry in a storm,
And when it snows, I use them for skis."
%%
There was an old voyeur named Zeke,
Who liked to hide in the closet and peek,
    Then jump out with loud cries
    of "Aha!" and "Surprise!"
And point out your flaws in technique.
%%
Rick promised to gently deflower
A maiden who lived on South Gower.
    (The truth is, he spread
    Her legs wide on the bed,
And finished her off in an hour.)
%%
Juanita, the subject of scandals,
Used to use unscented candles,
    But now thinks it nice
    To use a device
With batteries, buzzers, and handles.
%%
There was an old prune name of Ginty
Who only ate muffics and thin tea.
    Thinking of sex
    Gave her the blecchs,
And left her all dried-up and squinty.
%%
Here's the tale of Benjamin Sneed:
Where others were two'd he was three'd;
    And when they unmasked it
    (Three balls in his basket),
He was voted "Most Likely to Breed."
%%
A maiden who had a third breast
Always kept her hand close to her chest,
    And I promised her well
    That I never would tell,
(Write me privately. Name on request.)
%%
Skydiver Daniel McDopp
Used to masturbate right from the top.
    Whenever he fell,
    He jerked off like hell.
He was good to the very last drop.
%%
A necrophile name of Ned Schultz,
Often brags of his deed and exults,
    "Tis legal, it's said,
    To make love to the dead,
If performed by consenting adults."
%%
Have you ever met Jamie McBeezis?
He does any damn thing that he pleases,
    Says Jamie, undaunted,
    "If you've got it, then flaunt it!"
But he's referring to social diseases.
%%
There once was a nearsighted gynie
Whose glasses were sparkly and shiny;
    But they stayed in the drawer
    While he worked on a whore
And tied up the tubes of her hiney.
%%
A shepherd named Jimmie Fitzhugh,
Said to his sweetheart, "It's true.
    Nothing is moister
    Than a fresh oister,
Unless, of course, it is ewe."
%%
There's a reason why Barton is queer.
When you meet him, the reason is clear.
    A goddess named Venus
    Gave him a penis,
But Mother Nature filled up his brassiere.
%%
Then there was Benjamin Bright,
A contestant on "What's My Delight?"
    They guessed at his habits
    With little white rabbits,
But were stumped by his mouse and his kite.
%%
There was a young man from St. Lutz,
Who had a remarkable putz.
    It would sniff, it would hunt,
    For it only liked cunt.
Absolutely no lips, hands, or butts.
%%
Sally's sex life was carefully planned.
Said she, "I prefer to be manned.
    Things that are anal,
    Are always so banal,
But things that expand are just grand."
%%
Sally-Jo was exceedingly vexed,
When they said she was quite oversexed.
    Said she, "That's not true,
    I just like to screw.
Now, please take a number. Who's next?"
%%
Sally sued for support; she was claimin'
Phil had fathered her baby (named Damon).
    She said, "I ought to know,"
    As she pointed below.
"'Cause this is the box that he came in."
%%
We will need a computer to tally
All the cowboys who scouted our Sally.
    There were some on her mountains
    And some on her fountains,
And quite a few down in the valley.
%%
A lady who overly lusted
Was frequently opened and thrusted.
    When the baby came due
    It was female too,
And its hymen was already busted.
%%
There once was a whore from St. Paul,
Who took anyone, wide, short, or tall.
    She said to her clients,
    "It's not really science --
It's just that one size will fit all!"
%%
There was a young fellow named Forrest
Whose cornhole was one of the sorest.
    Said he, "I don't mind
    A regular grind
-- But I do wish my ass were clitorised."
%%
When Shakespeare awakes with a scream
All his member a-drippin' with cream,
    'Tis just the commission
    Of nocturnal emission,
Which he dubs, "A Mid-Slumber Night-Stream."
%%
Sally-Jo taught erotic correction.
She told her student to get an erection.
    "Put your dick in my mouth.
    Move it north, move it south --
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"

Her instructions were very explicit,
And more than a little illicit:
    "Please fill up my cunny
    With fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit."

Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
    I'll put on some feathers,
    And laces and leathers,
And wiggle my ass while you spank it."

"Now that your fingers are stinky,
Tie me up in some chains that are clinky.
    Bring in goats and a sheik,
    Give my titties a tweak,
--- And NOW, we can start getting kinky!"

"Forget what the chain and the whip meant.
Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment
    Of high-grade Vaseline,
    And a strong trampoline,
And all of the other equipment!"

"Now, when we get all the bedsprings a-drummin',
That's when I'll start a-hummin',
    Then quickly, my dear,
    Put it into my ear,
So I'll hear the sound of it comin'!"

"I don't know how much this is costing,"
Said her student, still covered with frosting.
    "But I can say with affinity
    That I've lost my virginity.
Quite frankly, my dear, you're EXHAUSTING!"
%%
There was a mad pilot named Lizzy,
Whose manners were said to be skizzy.
    She could loop, she could twirl,
    She could make your head whirl.
She left all her men fucking dizzy."
%%
The speed of Ed's seed is unclocked
Whenever a lady's unfrocked.
    Tho' his spirit is willin,
    When a pussy needs fillin',
He's a man who goes off half-cocked.
%%
A lady whose name is Tirelli
Has tits made of dynamite jelli.
    If you take on this dare,
    You must fondle with care.
(The detonator's south of her belli.)
%%
The fame of our Mame was her tushy,
And the front of her cunt. (It was bushy.)
    But I heard that her Mike
    Preferred for his spike
The place in her face that was skwooshy.
%%
A whore with a face like a hound
Complained that her sales were down,
    Till a lover named Michael
    Bought her a cycle,
And she peddled it all over town.
%%
There was a young man named Levine
Who said to his lady, inclined,
    "Thanks for the spasm,
    It felt like orgasm;
As a matter of fact, 'twas divine."
%%

